{"id":1040,"date":"2015-12-25T00:25:07","date_gmt":"2015-12-24T22:25:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pr0nandchocolate.net\/shirasade\/?p=1040"},"modified":"2015-12-25T00:25:07","modified_gmt":"2015-12-24T22:25:07","slug":"pandoras-box","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/pandoras-box\/","title":{"rendered":"Pandora's Box"},"content":{"rendered":"
This entry is in the series Holiday exchanges<\/a><\/div><\/div><\/div>

Author's Note:<\/strong> Yuletide pinch hit for Corycides, who wanted future fic for Tamara, Sam and\/or Lacy. This was harder to write than I thought, but I didn't like that we never learned what happened to Tamara after Zoe left. Also, I really liked Lacy\u2019s journey on the show and thought she and Tamara might get along rather well, especially without Zoe around to stir things up.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Tamara finds them in the end. Well, she doesn\u2019t find exactly who she was looking for, but she figures Lacy Rand, Blessed Mother of the Monad Church, will do in a pinch. <\/p>\n

Tamara barely remembers the girl she met in Daniel Graystone\u2019s black room, but Zoe had talked about her - frak, there\u2019s little they hadn\u2019t talked about during their stint as gods in V-World. Loyal, a good friend, but in the end not good enough, that had been Zoe\u2019s verdict. However, after three years, Tamara is more than willing to take the chance. Maybe, although she\u2019d failed Zoe, Lacy will be good enough for her purposes.<\/p>\n

Holobands aren\u2019t something the monotheists approve of, despite the increasing number of virtual Cylon churches set up by Clarice Willow and her followers, and, not having Zoe\u2019s hacker skills, it\u2019s taken Tamara a frustratingly long time to track Lacy\u2019s furtive holoband use. She\u2019s never understood the whole \u201cOne True God\u201d deal, never quite believed Zoe\u2019s assertion that the bombing of the train that had cost her, her mother, and so many others their lives was an aberration. Yet here she is, contacting the official head of that church, a woman who\u2019s barely more than a girl. But then, Tamara herself is even younger, even if she hasn\u2019t felt like it since she woke up in darkness, missing memories - and her heartbeat.<\/p>\n

Tamara finds herself changing her dress once again, then chides herself for dithering. Still, the black, sharp-lined dress and the red heels make her feel more confident, as do her carefully arranged hair and make-up - and if there\u2019s something Tamara has, it\u2019s time. Which is of course the problem. When Zoe decided to go to her parents, she offered to take Tamara with her, but Tamara hadn\u2019t want to exchange the absolute power and freedom they had in New Cap City with whatever gilded cage the Graystones were offering. Now she wishes she\u2019d accepted, because Zoe had been frakking right when she said gently, right before disappearing: \u201cI know I said we could be gods in here - but it\u2019s not enough. Can\u2019t you feel it?\u201d<\/p>\n

That sense of purpose is the biggest differences between them, the two Deadwalkers, and Tamara has wished for even a pale mirror of it almost as often as she\u2019s prayed, to gods she no longer really believes in, to be alive out in the real world. With Zoe gone, she\u2019d been truly alone, and no amount of world building could make up for the lack of human interaction. So she\u2019d gone back to V-World, although she carefully kept a low profile. No more Avenging Angels for her, only hesitant attempts at forming connections. It worked, for a while, but in the end everyone lifts their hand to their face and disappears, and Tamara is left behind, forever alone in all the ways that count.<\/p>\n

Steeling herself, Tamara takes a step that brings her to where Lacy has just entered V-World. Crossing worlds like this comes natural like breathing to Tamara by now. Except of course breathing isn\u2019t natural at all for this body of hers, is only habit, while she can manipulate virtual realities like living people change clothes. Tamara suppresses a sigh, the thought familiar but always uncomfortable, and finally approaches Lacy.<\/p>\n

The young woman looks pretty much as she had when Tamara met her, if a bit older, dressed in civilian clothes, and she\u2019s looking out over a beautiful lake. When Tamara sits down next to her, she glances at her without really looking and gives her a polite smile. Tamara doesn\u2019t smile back, but she does hold Lacy\u2019s gaze for longer than a random stranger would and says simply: \u201cHello, Lacy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lacy does a double take, and Tamara can tell the moment she remembers her. She figures she can\u2019t blame her for needing a minute, considering that they only met the once. However, the joyful surprise in her voice when she places Tamara\u2019s face still makes Tamara feel warm all over, as does the impulsive touch of Lacy\u2019s slim hand: \u201cOh, it\u2019s you<\/em>! Tamara, right? How wonderful - you\u2019re alive!\u201d<\/p>\n

Tamara feels almost giddy, which is a ridiculous overreaction, of course. But it\u2019s been too long since someone, since Zoe, looked at her and knew her, knew who and what Tamara is and treated her like a person<\/em>. She does her best to trap her happy smile behind her teeth, unwilling to let down her guard yet. At least her words are the ones she\u2019s rehearsed so carefully: \u201cYes, I\u2019m alive. But I may just as well be dead like my original - V-World offers a half-life at best, and I don\u2019t think I can stand it much longer. Zoe left me long ago, and I can\u2019t find her. You don\u2019t know me, but I have no one else to turn to and she trusted you. Will you help me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I can, of course I will!\u201d The reply comes quickly, and Tamara has to dip her head, unable to keep looking into blue eye full of compassion. She looks down instead, at Lacy\u2019s hand still resting on her wrist, feeling much more real, than it should. Suddenly Tamara feels lighter, although objectively speaking she knows this might all come to nothing. But sitting here in the golden light of a virtual sun, answering Lacy\u2019s questions about Zoe and about what she herself has been doing, somehow feels very much like a beginning.<\/p>\n

Still, when Lacy offers to download Tamara into one of her Cylon guards, Tamara declines: \u201cMaybe later. First, please<\/em>, try to contact Zoe. I bet she\u2019s still with her parents, because otherwise I\u2019d have found her.\u201d<\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t tell Lacy that the thought of being stuck in a metal war machine makes her go cold all over. Lacy only means to be kind, in that impulsive way that Tamara can already tell is second nature to her. It makes her wonder how she copes with the politics undoubtedly required in running a huge organisation like the Monad Church. She still doesn\u2019t understand how anyone can believe in one God the way Lacy obviously does, with a fervor that reminds Tamara of Zoe and makes Tamara slightly uncomfortable, but she wants to believe in Lacy\u2019s assurance that under her guidance the monotheists follow a peaceful path. It\u2019s an awful lot of trust to put into someone she barely knows, yet Tamara figures she doesn\u2019t really have anything left to lose, not even her principles. <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll try, I promise. I\u2026 the Church isn\u2019t on the best footing with the Graystones, I\u2019m afraid. They paint monotheists, even non-STO ones, as dangerous fanatics, and they keep denying that Cylons are anything more than machines.\u201d Lacy laughs suddenly, a cynical sound that doesn\u2019t seem to fit the girl in the summer dress Tamara\u2019s been talking to. \u201cOh, and the whole time they\u2019ve been hiding Zoe - frakking hypocrites! It\u2019s Zoe who gave the Cylons life, they must know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

She obviously sees Tamara\u2019s discomfort, because she consciously relaxes and smiles apologetically: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. It\u2019s just that the whole Cylon question is a constant worry. If society were more open to the idea that they are more than unfeeling, unthinking slaves, I wouldn\u2019t have to worry about people like Clarice Willow and her talk of revolution, wouldn\u2019t have to bend over backwards to keep her in check.\u201d <\/p>\n

Clarice Willow! Tamara clenches her fists, fights the urge to destroy something, anything<\/em>, remembering what Zoe told her about the woman\u2019s involvement in the bombing that killed her - her original. Here are the politics Tamara\u2019s been wondering about, and for a moment she considers simply leaving, not sure if she can stomach associating herself with that woman\u2019s church after all. <\/p>\n

But Lacy, eyes penetrating, once again reads her, and her hand comes to rest on Tamara\u2019s shoulder, a gentle touch that conveys understanding, apology. She sure seems to have a lot of practice offering comfort. Tamara suppresses a snort at the thought, feeling the tension bleed from her almost against her will. Lacy\u2019s voice is sincere, full of conviction, further soothing Tamara\u2019s disquiet mind: \u201cBut that\u2019s not for you to worry about. Tamara, I promise, I\u2019ll contact the Graystones and I won\u2019t let up until I reach Zoe somehow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tamara remembers how Zoe used to talk about Lacy, a mix of love and something close to condescension, which never sat quite right with Tamara, and the realization that obviously Lacy has stepped out of Zoe\u2019s shadow makes her smile deepen as they bid their goodbyes. Lacy\u2019s hands reach up to her holoband, and she\u2019s gone, like all the others, but for once Tamara doesn\u2019t mind. Lacy\u2019s determination is real, and Tamara starts believing that she\u2019s made the right decision seeking out Zoe\u2019s friend.<\/p>\n

When Lacy finally returns, she\u2019s not alone, and Tamara watches them for a moment, smiling to herself when the tall man crowds Lacy against a wall and kisses her hungrily. Seems as if V-World isn\u2019t the only secret the Blessed Mother keeps. When they break apart, Tamara steps forward, meeting the man\u2019s suspicious gaze head-on. Lacy gives him a quelling look until he begrudgingly nods at Tamara, who can\u2019t help but be a bit amused at the easy power Lacy is displaying over someone who physically towers above them both. Lacy appears to agree with her, but she softens her pointed words with a warm smile : \u201cTamara, this is Odin. He\u2019s my right hand and a tad overprotective.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then her smile dims, and Tamara can feel her heart plummet - figuratively speaking, of course, since she\u2019s stopped bothering faking a heartbeat a long time ago. Obviously things didn\u2019t go as simply as Tamara had hoped, and Lacy\u2019s words confirm her fears: \u201cWe\u2019ve both been trying to do as you asked, but I\u2019m afraid we weren\u2019t successful. I went the \u2018official\u2019 route, contacted the Graystones, but they completely stonewalled me. I can only hope Amanda will tell Zoe anyway, because even if we weren\u2019t already pretty sure, Odin has been doing some more\u2026 discreet snooping.\u201d<\/p>\n

Odin nods and clears his throat: \u201cThey\u2019re definitely hiding something<\/em>, and I\u2019m not talking government contracts. It\u2019s like they\u2019ve built a virtual fortress, but one that appears like nothing special unless one is specifically looking for it. Additionally, not one Cylon employed by the Graystones sympathizes with the Church, which, statistically speaking, is highly unlikely.\u201d<\/p>\n

Through the bitterness of disappointment, Tamara still can\u2019t suppress a smirk: \u201cWell, Zoe wasn\u2019t exactly fond of Clarice Willow, so no surprise there. Considering that according to what Lacy told me the souls or whatever the Cylons have are an echo of Zoe. If they obey Lacy because of that echo, they\u2019d of course obey Zoe and stay away from Willow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lacy and Odin exchange an impressed look, as if Tamara has surprised them, which Tamara finds slightly insulting. But then, although they know who she is, to them she still looks like a sixteen-year-old girl. It\u2019s not as if they can see past her avatar to the code that makes up everything here in V-World the way Tamara can. Humans are rather limited.<\/p>\n

The thought no longer startles Tamara, has been on her mind more and more frequently, although it never fails to make her feel cold to her virtual bones. She can feel herself slipping away from humanity, and it scares her. It\u2019s the main reason for her desperation to find another solution, maybe even more than the aching loneliness she feels even when she\u2019s surrounded by masses of people\u2019s avatars. <\/p>\n

She looks at Lacy and Odin, so very human as they stand there, side by side, talking earnestly about Cylon politics and religion, and for a short eternity Tamara feels the urge to just let go of the seething emotion bubbling so close to the surface these days. It would be so simple to focus on the data that this world is made of and scatter it, turn trees and water and avatars into so much bits and bytes. Instead she takes a deep breath, feels her make-believe lungs expand, and forces a smile.<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t quite fool Lacy, she can tell, but the young woman chooses once again to be kind, doesn\u2019t pry and instead smiles back, reaching out to touch Tamara\u2019s arm gently. It\u2019s that matter-of-fact kindness that disperses the last of Tamara\u2019s black mood. Maybe Zoe will be in touch, and maybe she won\u2019t, but in Lacy she\u2019s found an ally and just possibly a friend, something she hasn\u2019t really had since she died. Her relationship with Zoe had always been a tangled mess, and while she doesn\u2019t fool herself into believing that everything is straightforward with Lacy, Blessed Mother of the Monad Church, Tamara figures it\u2019s a risk she\u2019s willing to take. She\u2019s spent too long avoiding pain, avoiding life - if she ever wants to be more than a Deadwalker, she has to start somewhere.<\/p>\n

And she wants, oh, how she wants.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This entry is in the series Holiday exchanges<\/a><\/div><\/div><\/div>

Tamara finds them in the end. Well, she doesn\u2019t find exactly who she was looking for, but she figures Lacy Rand, Blessed Mother of the Monad Church, will do in a pinch.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[91],"tags":[294,296],"series":[317],"class_list":["post-1040","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-caprica","tag-audience-all","tag-genre-gen","series-holidays"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1040","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1040"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1040\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1040"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1040"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1040"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=1040"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}