{"id":1257,"date":"2017-05-18T23:25:04","date_gmt":"2017-05-18T21:25:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pr0nandchocolate.net\/shirasade\/?p=1257"},"modified":"2017-05-18T23:25:04","modified_gmt":"2017-05-18T21:25:04","slug":"better-left-unsaid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/better-left-unsaid\/","title":{"rendered":"Better Left Unsaid"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Author's Note<\/strong>: Two separate anons wanted <a href=\"https:\/\/shirasade.tumblr.com\/post\/160705368126\/send-me-a-ship-and-one-of-these-and-ill-write-a\">Tumblr prompt #20<\/a>: <em>things you said that i wasn\u2019t meant to hear<\/em><\/p>\n<p>This mini-fic is truly an angst bomb - sorry! \ud83d\ude42 Set vaguely during 2x05 - Dust and Shadows.<\/p>\n<p><!--more-->***<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIz, I\u2019m worried about Alec.\u201d Jace\u2019s voice carried through the calm night air, and Alec knew he should make himself known, let his sister and his parabatai know that he was back. But although he felt better, less raw, after his talk with Magnus, he still shied away from facing Jace. The man whose mother he\u2019d killed, no matter how many people told him that it wasn\u2019t his fault what the demon did while inside him. <\/p>\n<p>Intellectually he knew that they were right - he didn\u2019t blame Raj or Izzy after all - yet knowing and believing were two very different things. So Alec did nothing, waiting for Jace and Izzy to move away in order for him to slip inside unnoticed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMe too. He\u2019s been through so much, Jace - you should have seen him when you were missing, half the time he seemed dead inside, numb, the other half he was lashing out. And now the thing with the demon\u2026\u201d Izzy shuddered, and Alec was tempted to reach out to her but had to trust Jace to do so in his stead. \u201cI can still feel the thing slithering around my mind, trapping me there while it used my knowledge of Alec\u2019s weaknesses against him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe knows that wasn\u2019t you.\u201d Peeking around the corner, Alec saw Jace enfold Izzy in an embrace. For a second he ached with the desire to be there with them, although he wasn\u2019t sure whether he wanted to console his sister or accept comfort from his parabatai. His heart contracted painfully, the world receding again as the numbness Magnus had momentarily banished resettled on his shoulders. Izzy was better off without him, and he certainly didn\u2019t deserve Jace\u2019s forgiveness. No matter how much love he could hear in Jace\u2019s voice as he repeated, \u201cHe knows that wasn\u2019t you, but I\u2019m afraid there\u2019s a part of him that blames himself for what the demon did. He\u2019s in so much pain, and he won\u2019t let me in!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dull, physical pain shot through Alec, and he realized he had been squeezing his hand, almost reopening the wounds Magnus had healed earlier. Jace sounded so\u2026 broken, desperate in a way that reminded Alec of the moment he\u2019d felt his parabatai pull him back from the abyss by sheer force of will. Although he knew it had happened only a few days ago, he\u2019d begun to think he\u2019d imagined it, that feeling of soul-deep peace they\u2019d found in each other\u2019s arms for a precious moment. Before they\u2019d been torn apart again by Aldertree, and while Jace was back now, there seemed to be a distance between them. Alec wasn\u2019t sure who\u2019d caused it, who\u2019d pulled back, but there was no doubt Jace was hurting now because of it. <\/p>\n<p>He almost stepped forward then, only to be stopped short by Jace\u2019s voice, barely more than a whisper into Izzy\u2019s hair: \u201cI love him, Iz. I don\u2019t know when or how it happened, and I know it can never be, but, Angel, I do. What's wrong with me, Iz - first Clary, now Alec? Why is my love poison?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, Jace\u2026\u201d Izzy replied softly, full of compassion but without any advice to give, and now it was her turn to hold Jace, whose shoulders were shaking while he clung to her. Gasping for breath, Alec stumbled backwards, feeling as if his insides had turned to razor blades, cutting him up. <\/p>\n<p>How many years had he dreamed of hearing these words, despite knowing all too well what the Law said? How many sleepless nights, filled with self-loathing and bitter jealousy? How much had it taken for him to open himself up to the <em>something<\/em> that Magnus offered? How long since he\u2019d finally started to see Jace the way he\u2019d always been supposed to - best friend, parabatai, soul-brother? And now all of that was gone, ripped away by words he wished he could unhear.<\/p>\n<p>Whirling around, Alec ran back into the night, aimless, truly unanchored and lost. Behind him, Jace lifted his head. \u201cAlec?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>***<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cIz, I\u2019m worried about Alec.\u201d Jace\u2019s voice carried through the calm night air, and Alec knew he should make himself known, let his sister and his parabatai know that he was back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[228,197],"tags":[294,299],"series":[],"class_list":["post-1257","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alec-lightwoodjace-wayland","category-shadowhunters","tag-audience-all","tag-genre-slash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1257","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1257"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1257\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1257"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1257"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1257"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=1257"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}