{"id":1345,"date":"2017-07-03T21:04:29","date_gmt":"2017-07-03T19:04:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pr0nandchocolate.net\/shirasade\/?p=1345"},"modified":"2017-07-03T21:04:29","modified_gmt":"2017-07-03T19:04:29","slug":"things-you-said-when-i-was-crying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/things-you-said-when-i-was-crying\/","title":{"rendered":"things you said when i was crying"},"content":{"rendered":"
This entry is in the series things said when crying<\/a><\/div><\/div><\/div>

Author's Note<\/strong>: Finally, the promised second part from that prompt meme. Mentions of homophobia, both external and internalised.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Alec didn\u2019t cry. If there was one thing he\u2019d learned growing up it was the importance of appearing strong, especially when one was on the verge of falling apart. <\/p>\n

It had gotten even more important now that his deepest secret was out - or rather, one of them, the one that marked him deviant but not a criminal in the eyes of most Nephilim. Even so people were much quicker to point out any perceived weaknesses, considering them proof that Alec\u2019s sexuality was a character flaw, made him lesser<\/em> than the Shadowhunter ideal. It had taken Alec a long time to stop believing that himself, and in moments like this, when his emotions were threatening to burst out in a flood of tears, he could still hear that familiar ugly whispering in the back of his head. <\/p>\n

So he did what he always did: He trained until his arms ached, letting his feelings explode in a flurry of jabs and punches that threatened to unmoor the punching bag, and when that wasn\u2019t enough, he took his bow and quiver and went up onto the roof.<\/p>\n

There, in the spot that had become a safe haven for him and Jace ever since the latter\u2019s arrival from Idris all those years ago, he loosened arrow after arrow into the uncaring night sky, wishing he could as easily get rid off the memories that overwhelmed him. He hadn\u2019t slept since the demon attack, because whenever he closed his eyes he saw his own hands rip out Jocelyn Fairchild\u2019s heart, felt the demon\u2019s ugly triumph soar through himself while he was trapped in his own mind, screaming silently in helpless despair.<\/p>\n

He was drawing and shooting faster and faster, desperate to lose himself in the comfort of the familiar routine, but although he could feel his hands beginning to bleed it wasn\u2019t enough. His frustration almost made him snap when Jace suddenly appeared in his line of vision. His parabatai was the last person Alec wanted to see right now, with the possible exception of Clary, whose tear-streaked face as she collapsed into Simon\u2019s embrace kept haunting him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, same side, remember.\u201d Jace\u2019s words recalled an earlier time, the very first time Alec had laid eyes on the boy whose life, whose very soul<\/em> would be inexorably entwined with his. Normally the thought brought comfort, but not tonight. Tonight, Jace\u2019s words, full of warmth and understanding, felt like the worst kind of mockery. \u201cNo one blames you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, maybe they should!\u201d Alec knew he was being unfair, could feel Jace\u2019s sincerity and acceptance through their bond, but he couldn\u2019t help it. The wall he\u2019d built around his emotions was precariously thin, and if he gave in even a little bit, he knew with complete certainty that it would collapse and he would drown in the flood of pain and guilt.<\/p>\n

He needed to be elsewhere, anywhere but here, where Jace would keep looking at him with a love<\/em> that made something deep inside of Alec twist painfully, emotions welling up that he\u2019d begun to hope were dead and buried. Activating his surefooted rune, he made to run, to leave his parabatai and the weight of his love behind.<\/p>\n

Before he could jump, however, Jace tackled him, pushing him against the ledge and trapping him in an embrace. Ignoring the fact that Alec wasn\u2019t responding, just standing there stiffly, arms by his side, Jace hissed fiercely, \u201cOh no, you don\u2019t! You don\u2019t get to run away from me, Alec, not until I\u2019m sure you\u2019re alright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what you want from me,\u201d Alec snapped back, glaring into mismatched eyes that were boring into his with an almost angry intensity. Despite himself he could feel his body instinctively softening, unable to resist his parabatai\u2019s closeness, and he forced himself to remain unresponsive. He didn\u2019t deserve this, didn\u2019t deserve Jace\u2019s forgiveness, and if he just resisted long enough, he was sure that Jace would get the message and back off. After all, Alec\u2019s hands had been the ones to kill his mother.<\/p>\n

Not that that seemed to faze his parabatai in the least, his embrace unrelenting in its tenderness. \u201cI want you to know that I\u2019m here. Whatever you need, I\u2019ll give it to you. But I won\u2019t let you cut yourself off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jace trailed off, and a tense silence settled over them, two stubborn wills waging a battle, until a hiccupping sob rent the night air. It took Alec a moment to realize that the sound had originated from him, painfully torn from his throat, and he turned his head away, not wanting Jace to see him as another sob escaped him. Jace\u2019s embrace tightened, hands beginning to gently wander up and down the tense line of Alec\u2019s back, breath warm and steady against his neck. \u201cIt\u2019s alright, it\u2019s alright. Remember when I was scared to cry after I came to live here - you said it was normal to cry, and that you would always look after me. Now, let me return the favor, even if it\u2019s taken me years.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alec choked on another sob, arms finally coming up to cling to Jace, drawing strength from his steady presence as the wave of pain, of grief and shame he\u2019d been so desperately holding back swallowed him whole. He remained nearly silent, but his entire body shook and tears streamed down his face, rendering him speechless except for the occasional gasp of, \u201cSorry, I\u2019m so sorry!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026\u201d Alec froze as he felt the unmistakable press of lips against the soft skin below his ear, but he couldn\u2019t stop crying, and Jace continued as if nothing untoward had happened, \u201cYou can be sad, but don\u2019t be sorry. This is what I signed up for, and you won\u2019t get rid of me, not ever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then Jace released his hold on Alec, but only in order to grasp his head in strong hands, forcing him to meet his parabatai\u2019s unwavering gaze. Anyone except Alec would have missed the tiny undercurrent of uncertainty as he stated firmly, \u201cI\u2019m yours, and you\u2019re mine. In every way.\u201d<\/p>\n

And while Alec stared, tears shocked to a sudden halt, Jace leaned in and pressed his lips to Alec\u2019s.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This entry is in the series things said when crying<\/a><\/div><\/div><\/div>

Alec didn\u2019t cry. (An alternate version of the rooftop scene from 2×05.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[228,197],"tags":[296,299,307],"series":[329],"class_list":["post-1345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alec-lightwoodjace-wayland","category-shadowhunters","tag-genre-gen","tag-genre-slash","tag-warning-au","series-things-said-when-crying"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1345","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1345"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1345\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1345"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1345"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1345"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shirasade.net\/fiction\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=1345"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}