Note: A slightly different fic. Written in like 30 minutes as the result of reading a couple of slash fics where the characters have a severe religious crisis after discovering they're gay (going so far as to kill themselves over it). I don't see God like that, hence this... I know that many people don't talk to God that way - but well, I do it, so why shouldn't Howie? 😉
Also I'm kind of hoping that it might make my writer's block go away - I haven't been able to write _anything_ in days and I'm going through withdrawal!
My Lord,
I don't even know what I'm doing here... I feel kind of stupid sneaking off like this from an important interview just to find a church. But I've always felt safe in churches - specially catholic ones like this, where the candles are forever burning and there's just the faintest trace of incense in the air.
I guess it stems from all my childhood - I loved going to church when I was a kid! I know that not all children like it, because they have to dress nicely and behave - but for some reason this never bothered me. As soon as I entered the church on my mom's hand I would look around and take it all in - specially on holidays, when the church was decorated and everyone was cheerful. That's another thing I love about churches - they do something to people, calm them down and make them feel safe. In a church they find a haven from their hectic lives... And I can certainly use such a haven, even if I don't have the opportunity very often.
But I didn't really come to ramble about why I've always enjoyed going to church. As you already know I've come here because I need clarity about what's probably the most important decision of my life - almost as important as the day Nick, AJ and me decided to form a band... This will change my life, that's sure - no matter what I decide today, things will be different.
I've already mentioned the name of the one causing all this trouble - it's AJ of course. AJ, Alex... He kissed me last night, you know. And I, I kissed him right back.
I know that you already know all about my feelings for him - and after hearing all about them for the past year you're probably sick and tired of it. I've always been able to tell you everything, so of course I've told you about them - but now, things have changed. Now that I know that he loves me back I don't know if my decision not to pursue that part of my life is still valid. Please, my Lord, tell me what I should do!
After we had kissed - and made out, just a bit, just long enough to make me realize that _this_ was really what I've always been waiting for... So much better than those casual encounters I had so far, just as I knew it would be. It's always better when there's love behind it...
But anyway, after we had kissed for a while he accused me of being "too damn wonderful" and thus making it impossible for him not to fall in love with me. That's AJ for you - but you know him and you know that those words came straight from his heart. So I did the only thing I could possibly do - I told him that I loved him, too, but that I had to sort out my feelings before starting something so big. Because this _is_ a big thing, I realize that. And luckily, so does he.
He actually knows where I am right now - he's probably busy keeping Kevin from shitting a brick because I've disappeared without taking security with me. But I really didn't want company, I want to be able to take my time and pour my heart out to you, because I know that no one knows me the way you do. You can see right into my heart, you know all I think, all I feel - and only you can tell me if I should trust my feelings and say yes to AJ.
Because once I've done that I don't think I could ever turn around. If I say yes I'll never get married - at least not in a church, although I've heard about priests marrying gay couples, but that's beside the point... The point is that if I say yes I won't be able to deny anymore that I'm gay, that I commit this sin, horrible in the eyes of so many people. So far I could tell myself that I was only experimenting, that it was no different from sleeping with girls before getting married - not a good thing, but easily forgiven because it was not serious and didn't do any harm.
Saying yes _will_ be serious, and it will probably cause people to get hurt.
Lord, please, don't let my parents be among those people! I don't know if I could take that! And AJ's mom... She's all he has and losing her would kill him. Please, let them understand, let them forgive us the way I _know_ you forgive us...
God, I know the bible says that kissing AJ yesterday was wrong - but I've always believed that you were love and that all love came from you. So, can loving someone the way I love AJ and he loves me be a sin that can't be forgiven? Don't they say that you forgive everything?
I've been here a long time now - and thinking about what I just told you I guess I've made my decision already. I feel at peace now that I asked for your help and I take it as your sign that my decision was right.
Thank you so much, my Lord! You've always been there for me and I'm grateful that you didn't turn me away now!
But I gotta go now - AJ will be worried. He's probably driving the others crazy because he's so nervous... I can't wait to see his face when I come into the room and walk straight up to him and kiss him right in front of everyone else!
Thank you again, my Lord - I really believe I can feel your love surround me and hope that this feeling will never leave me! I praise you with all I am.
Amen
