Howie D. Obsession

Well, here it is - the first piece of slash I've ever written... I still kinda like it, it's cute I think. And please, just ignore all those Author's Notes - I was terribly insecure and wanted to make sure everyone knew... *g*

Note: This is the first slash I've ever written (and the first Real Person fic, too), but after reading "Crush with Eyeliner" by Rachel inspiration hit me over the head with a club and I just HAD to write this, featuring my favorite couple. So let me know what you think about it - do you like it or should I better stick to writing het? But please be nice...
Note 2: This is first person and I don't know why I even thought I'd succeed to write it (and a man's POV at that) - but this story refused to be written any other way... Also this story is VERY fluffy - you've been warned! I am in sore need of a happy fic and I'm going to write it - get over it! 😉
Note 3: (and yes, we're getting to the story!) This is not beta'd and since English is not my first language I hope you excuse any mistakes I made... Feel free to point them out - I HATE mistakes in my writing!
Summary: The title says it all...

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad
it's not so bad

'Thank You' - Dido

My life as a member of the machine that are the Backstreet Boys has been pretty complicated (my alcoholism certainly doesn't improve things) and sometimes I've wondered if it is all worth it - but then I started to watch Howie. Now it seems as if that is all I do these days. Watching Howie Dorough is my favorite pastime and I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to...
But why should I want to? Watching Howie dance and sing on stage, pouring his soul into the music, moving with almost feline grace, his muscles rippling under caramel coloured skin... Oh, don't get me started on Howie's body - those washboard abs, those well-defined arm muscles, this firm ass... When we are changing after a show I peek every now and then, feeling myself getting excited every time, no matter how many times I've seen him naked.
But I also love to watch Howie when he is dressed and just talking - to me or to one of the other guys. It doesn't matter what he says with that soft voice, I always feel shivers running down my spine. And when he smiles I feel as if the sun has just begun to shine, his smile is just so genuine and warm. (I know bloody well that this doesn't sound like me, Backstreet's resident bad boy AJ McLean - well, it's true, so shut up!) Also, the perfection that is Howie Dorough wouldn't be complete without his eyes - those deep, soulful eyes that say so much...

Yes, I know I sound like one of our teenaged fans - babbling on and on about the object of my affections. But for me watching Howie has become such an important part of my life that I could write a book about all his small mannerisms and habits - every single one dear to me. Because I love him with all my heart.
If people knew what a wuss I was behind that rebel image I show the world they'd probably laugh their asses off - I know I do sometimes! When I'm in a certain mood I see the sad irony of my obsession with one of my bandmates and closest friends (hell, he is THE closest friend period) when I could have any girl (or guy for that matter) I want... Shit, I am a fucking Backstreet Boy!

But I can't help myself - I am head over heels in love with Howie and most of the times quite okay with it. I live for those times he hugs me or gives me one of his infamous winks, for long conversations about everything and nothing or just hanging out together not talking at all, just enjoying each other's company.
I'm not sure if the others have noticed - well, I know Nick has, because one day he caught me jacking off calling Howie's name. Nick took it in stride, almost as if it was not really a surprise for him. He only asked if this was a one time thing (in a tone of voice that suggested that he didn't believe that at all) and if Howie knew about it. When I said no he just shook his head: "Well, you have to know what you're doing..." And that was it. He hasn't told anyone, but sometimes I feel his eyes on me, not judging or mocking my feelings but more as if he is worried about my happiness.

I think I've done quite a good job hiding my obsession in front of everybody else, including Howie. They probably think my thoughtfulness is caused by being out of rehab, trying to get used to life as a pop star again without falling into the old traps.
And if they notice that I never take a girl to my room anymore although they know that I am horny frequently (we all are - being on stage just does that to you) they don't say anything, are perhaps even a bit relieved that I ended that part of my life as well. I just don't want anyone who is not Howie, it's really pathetic how fixated I am on him! So I do what Nick caught me doing - fairly often since Howie gets me hot and bothered all the time. No one is supposed to be that sexy!
Sometimes we share a bed, as we used to do when starting out, and Howie cuddles me in his sleep - you can imagine what that does to me! I feel his small compact frame press up against my body, his hands lying on my chest or (wonderful torture!) on my thigh. His soft hair tickles me and sometimes I feel his breath caress my neck. I spend these nights torn between wanting to fall asleep in his arms and not wanting to waste a single moment of this stolen embrace - and of course I am always painfully aroused. But it is fucking worth it! Lying close to Howie makes me feel high and secure at the same time.

I can pin point the exact moment I realized that I am completely in love with my best friend. It took me a while, mostly because I've always been bi. Therefore it didn't worry me that I fantasized about Howie when jacking off, even when that happened more and more often and not only when I was trying to get off. I'd watch a drop of sweat roll down his broad chest and had to fight the urge to lick it away or I kept thinking about how much I wanted to kiss his sensual lips when he was talking to me - but still I didn't think of it as anything special. (Talk about denial... I am VERY good at that!)
But one day I was in a really bad shape after another night of excessive partying and feeling empty - and he came knocking on my door. I let him in and let him hold me, just enjoying the love he gave me unconditionally. And while I was soaking his favorite shirt with my tears of self pity for letting it go so far it suddenly hit me that he was the only person I knew that I wanted around me no matter how bad and worthless I felt. He was what kept me sane, stopped the madness that is show biz, drink and drugs from destroying me completely. I suddenly realized that my feelings for him went a lot deeper than affection or even brotherly love. Of course I didn't act on my revelation except for hugging Howie as if my life depended on it until I fell asleep in his arms. He stayed with me the whole night, watching over me like the angel he is to me. But I wanted to get my life back on track before even attempting to tell him - why would a wonderful guy like him want a wreck like me?

I went into rehab shortly after that and when I came back the whole watching Howie thing started. For months I've guarded my love jealously, not wanting to share it with anyone - but recently the feelings have just become too strong to hide and threaten to spill over at the most impossible moments. Nick is throwing me funny looks whenever he catches me grinning foolishly into thin air or touching Howie at every chance I can get - in short, I behave fucking ridiculous (and enjoy every minute of it!).
It's only a matter of time until Brian and Kevin will get suspicious. I don't want them to find out about my feelings and go telling Howie about them in that damn "brotherly concern" way specially Kev has perfected. Telling him is my own business - and that's why I'm on my way to his room right now...

When I stand in front of his door I suddenly feel the strong urge to run and hide. But fighting the demons that still haunt me has given me strength, so I raise a trembling hand to knock. I hear him say "Coming!" (which of course sends my mind straight into the gutter) and only moments later he opens the door, smiling widely at seeing me. But he must see something is up by looking at me and his smile gives way to concern. "AJ, what's up? Something the matter?" His voice is so soft as he lets me in and I feel myself calming down a little despite being still nervous as hell.
To gain time I sit on his bed and he sits down beside me, looking at me, questions in his dark eyes. I fidget around, not able to look directly at him. Feeling my inner struggle, Howie puts his hand on mine, encouraging me to say whatever I have to. My fingers tighten around his and, taking a deep breath, I just blurt it out: "I... I love you!" And to prove my point I press a quick kiss on his full lips, afterwards drawing away.

Expectantly I look at him, waiting for his reaction. Howie just stares at me wide-eyed, trying to process the bomb I just dropped. But he doesn't remove his hand from my grip, which makes me kind of hopeful. I know he always likes to think things out and I'm well aware that he won't hate me, no matter what I say or do - but anyway his silence is a tad unnerving... No, that's a fucking lie - it freaks the shit out of me! I've never been a patient man so I break the silence by saying hoarsely, anxiously: "Howie, you okay, man?"

And this is where things get blurry, because suddenly his face breaks into such a radiant smile as I've never seen on him before and he hugs me hard, holding me tight against his broad chest, burying my face in his silky hair. I hear him whisper in a voice that's low and sensual: "Okay? Oh god, I'm more than okay! Why the fuck haven't you told me earlier, you fool?!" Then he kisses me, deeply and passionately, pushing me down onto the bed, covering me with his muscled body. And it's even better than I could ever have imagined...
Somehow I don't think I'll be cured of my Howie D. obsession anytime soon - if I have any say in this matter not before the day I die!