Coming Out

Author's Note: Lloyd Neck is a sweet, gentle short film (only 16 minutes, so give it a go!) that gave me happy feels and surprised me by making me want to explore some of the subtext between Jesse and Taylor. Except then things got kind of smutty, in an '18-years-old boys making out' kind of way. 🙂

***

When he started to suspect that he might prefer boys to girls, Taylor was the first person Jesse told, not Sam who, as his girlfriend, probably should have been the first to know.

He justified it with Jesse being the only out gay friend he had, that he needed an outside perspective before confronting what this meant for his relationship with Sam. Jesse was fully aware that this was a sorry excuse, that in reality he was simply scared, not ready yet to look into Sam's eyes and tell her that it was over - and over because her boyfriend would rather be kissing boys than her.

It was much easier to tell Taylor, who'd been out as long as they'd known each other and who Jesse suspected had a bit of a crush on him anyway. That was the only reason he hesitated at all when they were hanging out after school that day, not wanting to get Taylor's hopes up. They were in Jesse's room, because as always he had to look after Alex while their mom was at work, Jesse stretched out on the bed, Taylor on the beanbag. After talking for a bit about their upcoming graduation, however, Jesse gathered his courage and blurted out: "I think I have to break up with Sam."

He was staring at the ceiling while he said this, but he could feel Taylor's eyes on him as the other boy replied: "Um. Okay. And why's that? You seemed so happy the other day, when I took your pictures."

"Seemed being the operative word," Jesse chuckled dryly, remembering all too clearly how wrong he'd felt kissing and holding Sam like that when he was spending way too much time thinking about boys - at school, on the street, in his sister's Tiger Beat magazine. "I… I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it: I think I'm gay. At first I thought it was just a, a phase, but it's been a while now, and it won't go away. So you see why I have to break up with Sam."

While he was speaking he could feel Taylor looking at him, and he didn't have to look over to know that his friend was listening attentively and without judging. It was one of his favorite things about Taylor, the way he was with people, making them feel comfortable and at ease, unlike Jesse, who too often managed to ruffle feathers by blurting out the wrong thing or sounding harsh and defensive. When Taylor finally spoke, he sounded calm and understanding, just as Jesse had known he would: "Well, yes, of course. I can't say I ever suspected - but I'm glad you told me. And, Jesse, you know I'm here for you, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Just as Jesse was about to turn to face him, Taylor's read head appeared in his field of vision even as the bed dipped under his weight. He sat down gingerly, not touching Jesse, but resting a hand next to his shoulder, radiating a warmth Jesse found strangely reassuring. He only realized he was smiling when Taylor's expressive face also lit up.

For a moment they stayed like this, just looking at each other and smiling, then Taylor ducked his head and broke their eye contact, a light flush coloring his cheeks: "I do feel a bit sorry for Sam, she's nice. But you're right, of course, it wouldn't be fair - and she deserves the truth."

"Yeah," Jesse replied, half under his breath because the idea of telling Sam was still rather intimidating. "I guess I just wish I didn't have to hurt her. Like, if I'd realized it earlier, like you did."

Taylor looked at him again and grinned: "Well, even I got tricked into a round of spin-the-bottle once in junior high. Remember?"

Jesse laughed, the memory of Taylor's bright red face at that birthday party clear in his mind, but petered off when a thought struck him: "Was that really your one and only kiss from a girl? You didn't have to kiss a guy to know that you preferred them?"

"No, I didn't. My mom always says I was born knowing. I didn't kiss my first boy until, I think, three years after that Amy planted one on me." Taylor's voice changed, sounding curious and maybe just a bit hurt as he asked: "Why? Did you find out by kissing a guy?"

"Nah, I was just wondering," Jesse quickly shook his head. After years in the same class, casual acquaintances at best, they'd grown really close in this last year of high-school, and Jesse didn't want Taylor to think he'd been keeping something so big from him. "I must say, though, I'm kind of curious. Man, I hope I won't mess up when I finally get the chance - I think I'd die if he somehow realized I'd never done it before!"

"Don't worry, you'll be fine - it's not that different from kissing a girl. Or so I've been told." Amusement danced over Taylor's face, and he moved slightly to bump Jesse's hip with his own, making Jesse shift restlessly on the bed, suddenly too aware of how close they were. Obviously noticing this, Taylor's eyes narrowed in thought, then he ducked his head, the way he always did when trying to appear unaffected, and offered a bit shyly: "You could always practice on me, I guess. If you'd like."

Jesse knew he was staring, although he supposed a part of him must have known where this was going when he breached the subject of kissing, and Taylor blushed, the red bright on his pale skin. But he'd lifted his gaze again and was now fixing Jesse with a determinedly neutral stare. Suddenly all Jesse could see were the lips he'd never before paid particular attention to, their curve, the way they were slightly parted. Just then Taylor's tongue slid out and swiped over them quickly, leaving them moist and glistening. Before he quite realized it, Jesse was sitting up and pressing his mouth to Taylor's, nodding and mumbling as he did so: "Yeah, yeah, okay."

It was rushed and clumsy, and Jesse was just about to break away, frantically thinking he'd never be able to live this down, would never be able to look at Taylor again. But then Taylor's hands were cupping Jesse's face, half-holding, half-stroking it, calming, gentling, and suddenly they were kissing, properly kissing, and Jesse wrapped both arms arms around his friend. It was not all that different from kissing Sam, from kissing a girl, Taylor's skin smooth against his own, no stubble because Taylor didn't have a lot of hair anywhere except on his head, something Jesse knew because they'd been talking about it, about the hassle of Jesse having to shave fucking everywhere before a race. And Jesse had no idea why he was thinking of this now, when Taylor's tongue was asking, no, demanding, entrance to his mouth, and he figured maybe it was because really, deep down, this was nothing like kissing a girl at all.

He heard a soft noise, almost a sigh, and realized it was his own voice, but it got lost in the depth of Taylor's mouth, the slick slide of tongues, the pressure of long artist's fingers against his neck, in his hair. He was hard, just from kissing, something that hadn't happened with a girl in what felt like forever, and he could feel Taylor's dick pressing against his thigh, not all the way hard yet but getting there, which made him feel better, more as if they were on the same page somehow, and he pushed closer, feeling courageous. Except then Taylor angled his head and their foreheads bumped painfully, making them both first swear and then laugh.

For a moment Jesse thought that this was it, the moment lost, and readied himself to scoot away and smile nonchalantly, maybe say thanks. The disappointed reluctance at this thought surprised him, and maybe Taylor could read that on his face or maybe he hadn't felt the change in mood, because he stopped grinning, eyes darkening, and pushed Jesse onto his back, straddling his hips in one smooth movement. His hands remained splayed against Jesse's chest, and they just looked at each other for a moment before Jesse surged up and grabbed Taylor's head, fingers curling in short hair.

They skipped the awkward bit of the kiss this time, sliding right back into a rhythm their hips took up, until they were rocking back and forth and having to break the stroke of tongue and lips for short gasps and small groans. Taylor was holding himself up with one arm, his free fingers tangled in Jesse's hair, grazing his ear and cheek. Sighing, Jesse rested one hand on the place where Taylor's back became ass, an almost straight line, no soft curve, and he was thinking of maybe sliding his fingers up beneath Taylor's t-shirt, to the flat planes beneath where before there had always been breasts, peaky or rounded, but always breasts.

Before he could make up his mind, however, Taylor lifted his head, just a bit, close enough Jesse could still feel his breath gust over his face but breaking their kiss, and stared down at Jesse unblinkingly, pupils huge, something like awe on his face. The silence made Jesse realize that they hadn't said a word since the kiss had started, since he had started the kiss, and then Taylor's voice came, low, rough and raspy in a way Jesse had never heard before: "Fuck, Jesse, just look at you…"

Without warning Jesse's eyes slid shut and he could feel himself buck upwards, his whole body straining towards the heat that was Taylor as he came. His fingers dug into Taylor's hips until Taylor gripped his wrists and pinned them against the bed, over Jesse's head, and Jesse, normally the stronger of the two, couldn't do anything except gasp and shudder. His incoherent sounds were swallowed by Taylor in what was a mostly one-sided kiss, Jesse unable to do more than vaguely move his slack, open mouth against Taylor's, who drank his noises and panting breaths hungrily.

It was a long while before Jesse even noticed the sticky wetness in his jeans, the discomfort of his softening dick under Taylor's weight, having lost himself again in the taste of Taylor's lips, the gentle movements of their tongues as he regained his faculties bit by bit. His mind was spinning, thoughts starting to crowd in, but he pushed them back long enough to twist his arms from Taylor's loose grasp and roll them over, grinning widely into his friend's surprised face: "Your turn…"

With this he pushed down, to where he could feel Taylor's cock, still hard, and slid a hand between their bodies, quickly, to stop himself from thinking about it. Taylor's eyes widened, and Jesse focused on this, on the blush staining his cheeks and creeping down his neck, on the small moan that escaped as he leaned down to re-claim Taylor's mouth, exploring its newly-familiar landscape from this new angle.

All the while his hand was pressing against Taylor's erection through the denim, moulding his palm along its hard line and imagining it was his own, figuring it couldn't be all that different. Taylor slung one leg over Jesse, rocking upwards, and Jesse had to focus on the way Taylor's hand was digging into his shoulder in order to keep his thoughts from straying into territory he was most certainly not ready for. Luckily it didn't take long before Taylor buried his face against Jesse's neck, his breath hot and moist on Jesse's skin, and he came with a shout, holding on tightly until the shocks subsided. Jesse held himself as still as possible, suddenly feeling claustrophobic, trapped, although he could easily have freed himself from Taylor's embrace.

Instead he waited until the arms and leg Taylor had wrapped around him loosened their hold of their own accord and Taylor let his head fall back onto the pillow. Only then did he sit up, wincing at the mess in his jeans and wiping a hand over his mouth, unable to stop his eyes from darting nervously around the room. There was no sound from Taylor, and when Jesse finally managed to look at his friend, Taylor appeared calm, remarkably collected for someone who had just come in his pants. Meeting Jesse's eyes and reading the question Jesse couldn't bring himself to ask, Taylor shrugged and pushed himself off Jesse's bed: "Don't worry, I know you don't feel that way about me."

He got up and rested a hand on Jesse's shoulder for just a moment before making his way to the door. Already pushing down the handle, Taylor looked back one more time and smiled, his real smile, the one Jesse knew was just for him, full of fondness and wishes: "Really, Jesse, it's all good. And hey, this totally beat spin-the-bottle with Amy!"

With this Taylor left, calling out a goodbye to Alex, whose presence Jesse had completely forgotten and who only by complete chance hadn't interrupted them. The thought shocked Jesse into moving, and he hurriedly grabbed a change of clothes and darted into the bathroom. Having undressed, his gaze fell on himself in the mirror and he froze, staring at his flushed face, kiss-swollen lips, messy hair and the red mark Taylor had, probably inadvertently, left on his neck when he came.

Jesse watched as his fingers came up to trace the mark gently, then he quickly tore his eyes away and stepped into the shower, determinedly not looking down to where the traces of what had happened were sticky and cool on his skin. He had known he was gay before telling Taylor, but now - well, now, there was no doubt about it. He would have to thank his friend for being so cool about it all, especially since, despite his words, he was probably a bit disappointed that Jesse wasn't in love with him. Which he wasn't, even if he imagined he could still taste Taylor on his lips.

Closing his eyes, Jesse turned his face into the water and let it wash away the traces of what had happened. The ones on the outside, at least.

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