Author's Note: Two short ficlets, written in an attempt to finally get over my X-Men writer's block - don't know if it worked... Inspired by Missy's POV series (Candle Wax etc.). Angsty fic! (How can I help it with all the angst on DDFH lately...) Part of the credit for Logan's way of thinking has to go to Karen's hubby.
Forgotten
Marie's POV
Sitting here I wonder if you'll ever come back to me. I know you promised - but after all this time and everything that has happened while you were gone I don't know if I still believe you.
The thought hurts - believing you, trusting you has been such an essential part of me for what seems an eternity. It's only been two years - but it's been the two longest years of my life.
Have you heard about the Brotherhood ransacking the mansion? If yes - why didn't you come back, if not to see how I was than at least to help rebuilding everything. If you had come back you might have been able to help me rebuild myself.
Do you know that my eyes were green for a long time? Do you know that they had to keep me locked up because Carol had taken over my body? Do you know that I still have her powers? Do you know that I learned to control my skin? Do you even care?
I know I shouldn't be bitter - I have a good life. The professor has taken good care of me. I even joined the team because that's the only way I can repay him his kindness. I don't like to be indebted to people - I sometimes wonder if that's something you gave to me, back then on the statue when you saved my life. That's another debt I haven't repaid. How could I? I don't even know if you're still alive.
I don't know a lot of things - not about me, about life, and most of all not about you. Despite having carried you around in my head for two years now, there are so many things I don't know about you. Too many things.
Who's your favorite artist? What's your favorite color, your favorite smell, your favorite TV show, your favorite book? And what are the things you dislike most?
Who do you think of when you're lonely? What's on your mind when you miss having a home? Where do you go when you have had enough of people? What do you do to chase away the nightmares?
Do you ever think of me?
I don't know if I ever knew those things, but sometimes I think I must have. Or at least must have sensed them somehow. Because what else would explain that instant closeness I felt we shared.
But perhaps that's just yet another illusion. Another fantasy built to protect myself from reality, another dream that shattered when I fought for my life and you weren't there.
I've forgotten so many things. So many memories were lost when I fought for control of my mind and my body.
I've forgotten why I hid inside your trailer. Forgotten why I told you my real name. Forgotten what touching you felt like. Forgotten what it felt like having you inside me. Forgotten why I was never jealous of Jean. Forgotten why I trusted you with my life. Forgotten why I believed your promises - those promises you didn't keep.
Forgotten why, despite all that, I'm still in love with you.
Do I even want to remember?
~~~
Unforgotten
Logan's POV
I miss you. It's as easy as that and at the same time terribly complicated. Because I shouldn't be missing you - I should be busy looking for my past.
But sometimes I think that being with you would mean more than finding out where I come from. Specially since everything I've found out so far makes me believe that the knowledge of what I did, what I _was_ in the past is something I'd rather live without.
Sometimes, like now, I sit in my cabin in the woods of Canada and wonder what you look like now. If your voice still carries that Southern accent that made my knees go weak. If your smile is still this mixture of shyness, innocence and mischievousness. If you've been able to hold on to the warmth you gave people - you gave me - unconditionally. And I wonder if you still think of me sometimes.
I know I shouldn't wish that you do. After all, that's why I left you there, at Chuck's little haven from a world where many people would rather see you dead than face their own shortcomings.
I know you're safe there. It's a good place to grow up in peace, with people who love and understand you.
I hope you're happy there.
I've considered going back there and checking in on you so many times. Whenever my search becomes too frustrating I'm tempted to get on Scooter's bike and drive home.
Home. I've never had a home before and the thought is very strange. What need has the Wolverine for a home? And yet, there it is, this unmistakable feeling that there's a place waiting for me, where I could find peace and rest to recover from all I've seen and done.
I hope you know that I'm not talking about Westchester. I'm talking about you.
You're my home, my safe haven.
It's taken a long time until I was ready to admit that to myself. After all, the Wolverine has always been a loner, not needing anyone, completely free and with no obligations.
But then you came along and changed everything. Changed me.
I've never been more serious in my life than when I told you that I wanted to take care of you. Even if taking care of you meant leaving you behind to lead a good life, in safety, with friends and an adopted family. All things I couldn't give you.
Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I wanted nothing more than take you with me and never let you go. But what kind of life would that have been? You would never have had the opportunity to finish high school and go to college, but instead lived a life of danger and uncertainty.
I didn't want that for you, even if it meant that I would never see you again.
But never is a long time and it's gotten harder and harder for me not to contact Chuck and ask him how you're doing. I know if I give in it's only a matter of time until the urge to go back and see you gets the better of me.
And because of that I have no idea what you're doing now. There are so many things I'd like to know of you.
What's your major in college? What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you date? Are you happy? Do you still think of me?
Always the same questions that I don't have an answer for. I just don't want to crash into the life you've certainly built yourself and ruin it. You're certainly much better off without me.
But I hope that deep in your heart you know that you'll always be a part of me, just as I hope that I'm still a part of you, too.
That short week with you has shaped me more than you'll ever know. Every little thing has been burned into my memory.
Your lively eyes. Your loving smile. Your soft voice. Your beautiful body. Your sweet smell. Your unwavering look. The graceful way you move. The trust on your face when you looked at me. The feel of your skin under my hands. The sound of your heart starting to beat again.
It's all conserved within me, just as vibrant as on the very first day, sustaining me, nourishing me, making me more than just the Wolverine.
You're in my heart, unforgotten.
~~~~
